Friday, July 17, 2009

Mommy, why did you doctorate in English?

Alright, Stephen... alright... that's pathetic. I earned a doctorate in English. I didn't "doctorate" in English, because that, Stephen, is meaningless drivel. I "majored" in English in undergrad, and I "studied" English in my doctoral and master's programs. What you're saying is putting a bad name on our family, and making me cringe everytime I hear you make one of those cute little "Kids say the darnedest things" quotes. That show should just be called "Kids don't know how to word their questions or speak improperly when they answer questions" because that's all that is. That's all that is. It's almost as intelligent as any of Jeff Foxworthy's jokes. But Bill Cosby making a stupid face when some kid says something mind numbingly idiotic is not humor. Mark Twain is humor.

So why did I earn my doctorate in English? Because it's pure, and because I hoped against hope that my family was going to be intelligent and I could teach them these things. Apparently I was wrong. Your questions make me regurgitate. I only hope that by the time you reach first grade your awfully stupid sounding adorableness goes away and you become a human being worthy to talk to. Until then, I think it's best you go watch sesame street with your idiot father. Maybe you can get a worthless doctorate in Theatre like him.

I need a drink.

What's a "loves"?

Something I would feel more for you if you learned the difference between singular and plural, Stephen.

Is space forever?

Alright Stephen, I have absolutely no idea what that means. "Space" is a pretty broad term, so you haven't specified what you're talking about at all. And when you use the word "forever" it normally refers to a length of time, and not a noun. "Is space forever?" makes just about as much sense as absolutely nothing. What you probably mean is "Does space stretch on into infinity?" This makes a heck of a lot more sense because space, which I'm assuming you're talking about outerspace, is an infinite void and you're asking if it keeps going and going and going. I would really appreciate it if you asked your questions so that they made some sort of sense and dropped this whole "I'm a kid look at me mispronounce things because I'm so goddamned adorable."

Space keeps going into infinity in the way that you would never be able to see it... well... I mean the universe is a certain size but it keeps... you know... uh... getting bigger... so it is... uh... forever.

Your question threw me.

Mommy, why does it humid?

Alright. First of all Stephen that question doesn't make any sense. "Why does it humid," while some may find adorable, just shows me that you haven't been paying attention in class because "humid" isn't an active thing. You could say "Why is it humid." That would be an acceptable question... because humid is an adjective. It is describing how the weather is outside. It's a descriptive term. Like raining. Raining is descriptive. Rain is active. You couldn't say "Why does it raining" but you could say "Why does it rain." Make sure that your sentences make sense if you want people to understand you.

So why does it humid? Because sometimes water has no where else to go so it... uh... stays around like some sort of... uh... unwanted houseguest...

I didn't earn my degree in Meteorology. Lay off.