Alright, Stephen... alright... that's pathetic. I earned a doctorate in English. I didn't "doctorate" in English, because that, Stephen, is meaningless drivel. I "majored" in English in undergrad, and I "studied" English in my doctoral and master's programs. What you're saying is putting a bad name on our family, and making me cringe everytime I hear you make one of those cute little "Kids say the darnedest things" quotes. That show should just be called "Kids don't know how to word their questions or speak improperly when they answer questions" because that's all that is. That's all that is. It's almost as intelligent as any of Jeff Foxworthy's jokes. But Bill Cosby making a stupid face when some kid says something mind numbingly idiotic is not humor. Mark Twain is humor.
So why did I earn my doctorate in English? Because it's pure, and because I hoped against hope that my family was going to be intelligent and I could teach them these things. Apparently I was wrong. Your questions make me regurgitate. I only hope that by the time you reach first grade your awfully stupid sounding adorableness goes away and you become a human being worthy to talk to. Until then, I think it's best you go watch sesame street with your idiot father. Maybe you can get a worthless doctorate in Theatre like him.
I need a drink.